With their time in the NL winding down, the Astros have been suffering from a major case of Senioritis that recently resulted in their own Senior Skip Day. With a few nerds deciding not to participate because they smelled weird and didn’t have any friends, it was pretty remarkable that the coaches didn’t find out, suspend anyone or prevent anyone from graduating into the AL.
According to Jordan Lyles, the initial plan was to meet alum Jeff Bagwell by the 7-Eleven, maybe get some Subway and then head on over to Six Flags because Jeff had a cool Camaro and was a decent bro. “Also I don’t have my license yet because my parents are fucking stupid,” said Lyles. “Yeah, not a lot of us have cars or the access to funds that J-Bag has,” said Brett Wallace. “I don’t know where he gets his money. We all like to joke that he’s a drug dealer but really he works at Jamba Juice. Maybe he lets the ladies touch his biceps to get those mad tips”. A few Astros players nod and high five each other. “It’s cool he’s willing to help the guys out even though he’s graduated,” said Lyles. “He’s a real success story, getting a job after graduation and all”.
When asked about how senioritis has affected their playing, a few offered some insight. “Fuck it dude. I was supposed to be in Milwaukee today but I decided to skip and go to the Cubs game with my best friend and his girlfriend. If I had played by the rules, I’d have been in batting practice right now,” said Brian Bogusevic. Ultimately, according to MLB experts, senioritis is completely normal. “It’s not like the AL is going to rescind their offer and make the Astros stay in the NL. You don’t see the Royals going anywhere, for example, and they’ve been in the AL for a long time,” said an expert.
The bravado disappears and the room gets silent when the graduation ceremony is mentioned. The ache is palpable. “We’ve been best friends since spring training,” says Altuve, “That’s like 10 years in ballplayer years”. It’s a known clubhouse fact that the highlight of the year was the coed naked slip’n’slide at Wallace’s parents house (they were away for the weekend). “We bought a few barrels of lube for the slip’n’slide and a couple kegs of Keystone,” added pitcher Bud Norris. “It was awes’”.