2009 Brewers Grades and Random Talent Show Awards

It’s October, and we all know what that means: the playoffs, trade & free-agency speculation, MVP awards, and season recaps/report cards for non-playoff teams. After a six-month season, it’s perfectly understandable that a team’s fans would want to look back and try to make sense of it all. I’m no different when it comes to the Brewers. My problem is that I’m neither clever nor funny enough to write something like that in an interesting way. Lucky for me, though, my terrific girlfriend is exactly those things. Here then is her report card for the 2009 Brewers season, including how each player fared in the Brewers Year-End Talent Show. As you can guess, it’s not your typical report card. Enjoy!

2009 Brewers Grades and Random Talent Show Awards

Ken Macha
Grade: B. Solid effort.
Talent Show Award: Blue Ribbon for ‘Looking stoic with hands in coat pocket but he is screaming inside his mind’.

Doug Melvin
Grade: Tom Selleck Magnum PI awesomeness (avec mustache)
Grade: Tom Selleck milquetoast, a la Monica’s boyfriend, on Friends (sans mustache).
Overall Analysis: The mustache is the source of power. It will make him do good things, one mustache to rule them all.
Special Gift: Barbie brush from my Peaches n Cream Barbie to comb his stache…It does a good job. I swear!


Overall grade: !?!*%$ #
Talent Show Award: Booed offstage but hugged by individual teachers who asserted that secret of success is showing up 90% of the time.

(click “Read More” to keep reading)

Jeff Suppan
Grade: No formal grade….he gets a chicken bone for thinking good thoughts and trying.
Analysis: Nihilist

Braden Looper
Grade: F+/C- = bummer

Seth McClung
Talent Show Award: No grade but earns a certificate of completion with his choice of a shiny sticker or cool retro Transformers eraser…..for ‘Best Can Do-It Attitude’. He cannot have both – make sure you watch him…

Manny Parra
Grade: C * (A+E/2)
Successfully completed the 8th grade…
Talent Show: Awarded role of ‘Mouth’ in the Goonies remake

Yovani Gallardo
Grade: B

Trevor Hoffman
Grade: Excellence cannot be measured…Even though Bill James says it can… It cannot…


Overall Grade: A
Everyone acquired mid-season: Towel

Ryan Braun
Grade: They don’t assign grades in California. He received squiggly lines with a crescent moon to signify stability with ingenuity. Received a ‘Calico Cat’ for grammar as a result of the ‘RemeTee’ name. He knows that’s not how you spell it and is aware that you are not the boss of him.

Corey Hart
Grade: Tractor
Talent Show Award: Second place for making bathtub gin in the clubhouse whirlpool (has been offered pt time job at Great Lakes Distillery down the road)

Mike Cameron
Grade: B+A = Cool as the other side of the pillow

Frank Cattalonotoocato….
Grade: B…. uneven distribution of consonants and vowels hurt him here. Plus name hard to say when drunk.
Extra Credit: looking like Peter Brady, working way into hearts of Milwaukeeans with 80’s at bat song. Brew City sure do love them their 80’s hey. Pass the AquaNet and jellies! Anyone want a wine cooler?


Overall Grade: Swig of beer, high five to the person to the left; slap across the face with a leather glove to the person to your right

Prince Fielder, 1B
Grade: Unicorn

Craig Counsell, 2B, SS, 3B, Fan Foto Photographer, Announcer, BatBoy
Grade: A
Talent Show:
The Miley Cyrus General Pluckiness Award goes to Young Master Craig Counsell along with a free trip to Build-a-Bear and an extra 30 minutes before bedtime

Rickie Weeks 2B
Grade: Wrench

Felipe Lopez, 2B
Grade: A+ and $1 million for making the racist asshat behind us shut up (“I thought this was America” as Felipe walked up to some serious Latin-flavor musica)
Fan “Thank You” Present: Fabulous dance party

Casey “Tits” McGehee, Mat Gamel, 3 guys from Front Row Fridays, 3B
Grade: B+
Talent Show Award: Bottomless plate of Jack Daniels sliders and Jello shooters

JJ. Hardy, SS
Grade: C-/B-
Talent Show: Body shots- & “Friends in Low Places” burping-champion at Coyote Butterfaces, Nashville’s hottest ultrapub

Alcides Escobar, SS
Grade: 1-up Mushroom

Jason Kendall: Catcher
Grade: C
Talent Show: Top score in Rock Band: Queensrÿche

If Joe Mauer were our catcher:
A+++++ with hearts and kisses (unless he’s a tchotch in real life then FAIL – Like OMG I SO hope not!)

Milwaukee Brewers Fans:

Real Fans: A+ infinity triple stamped, no erasies….
Amateurs: Eternal damnation working for a centaur hell demon

Talent Show

Spencer Pratt Award for General Douchebaggery
a. Everyone wearing an Affliction shirt
b. Everyone who stands up and screams for every routine pop fly
c. Everyone who makes dumb, uninformed comments on the JS comment section
d. Amateur fair-weather fans
e. Everyone with a popped collar
f. Girlfriends/female-fwb’s of a-e

Visiting Teams Standouts:

Talent Show Awards:
The Gordon Bombay Flying V Sports as Community Service Award: Minnesota Twins – Mauer, Morneau, Cuddyer, Prince Rogers Nelson
The Don Draper-esque, ‘Let’s get you out of that skirt’ Profile Photo Award: Houston Astros – Lance Berkman
The General Zod “Kneel Before Zod!” Award: St. Louis Cardinals – Tony La Russa

— TG


Larry Granillo

About Larry Granillo

Larry Granillo has been writing Wezen Ball since 2008 and has dealt with such touchy topics as Charlie Brown's baseball stats and Ferris Bueller's day off. In 2010, he got the bright idea to time every home run trot in baseball; he has been missing ever since.